You know that moment when you should be relaxing? On a massage table, you finally have 5 minutes (in this case 50 minutes) to yourself and your mind starts running a recount of the events of late and then…you feel it. The anxiety, the stress, the tears; all of it begins bubbling up and you just start sobbing. Yep, the ugly cry of a woman at her limit.
That happened to me on Wednesday.
Nothing is as it appears. Social media allows for such a pretty screen doesn’t it? The irony that we are allowed to put filters on our photos in more ways than Instagram has to offer. But I’ve never shied away from pulling the screen down because if anything can make a person feel less alone, less crazed in this world, it’s someone you can relate to and hopefully some of you can relate to what happened to me.
On Wednesday I chose to get reflexology. If you haven’t had true reflexology I recommend running (not walking) to have it done. It’s better than any massage and can tell you so much about your health. Did you know your feet are a giant map of your body, organs and all? True story. If you don’t believe me, believe Dr. Oz and take a look at this handy map from heels to toes (http://www.doctoroz.com/article/reflexology-foot-chart).
As she was massaging away at my feet, my mind began racing, as it usually does in the quiet moments. It’s the woman’s curse. Do we get to truly relax? Not unless drugged to sleep. I was watching Bad Mom’s and there’s a point where Kristen Bell’s character asked the other mom’s if they had ever dreamed of driving their car off the road to have one night in a hospital just to be alone. A hotel room would be way cheaper but you get the idea. We are all looking for those moments of peace.
Anyway, my mind started recounting everything our family had experienced over the past few months. Work stress, back to school prep, health crap (on my part) and the catalyst, a diagnosis of Asperger’s for my son. So when the therapist asked if there was anything stressful going on with my life because my feet were really tense and knotted, I couldn’t even get the words out before the tears beat me to it.
But what she said to me in that moment of pain, in that moment of crying out for help, crying out for relief of my burden was so poignant. She looked at me and said, “YOU are enough.”
Seems simple enough, right? Try believing it. This world makes us believe we should be Pinterest perfect, organic eating, model looking at all times, beyond attainable super women! And it can break you down.
So I spilled my guts in 3 minutes of glory, in a maddening stream of consciousness and I felt a weight fall off; admitting I am not a perfect mom (not even close) feeling like a bad mom (I work 70 hours a week sometimes) and feeling to blame for my son’s diagnosis.
Reality check: I have Asperger’s too, so if you have ever met me in person and I didn’t say anything or was super-awkward, now you know why. I’m awkward around people and cannot carry a conversation. Even saying hello or answering a phone call is stress-inducing and painful. Talk to me about work or my child though, and I’ll talk both your ears off. Shark Tank was torture until the two minutes of my pre-rehearsed intro was over and then I couldn’t shut up about Red Dress Boutique…an hour and a half of diarrhea of the mouth. But it worked.
My downfall is I am a perfectionist and weak moments are pain points for me. Because they make you vulnerable. But let me be the first to tell you there is no perfection in this world. And I have to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect Every. Single. Day.
But in that moment of vulnerability, my massage therapist said several things that gave me pause and reminded me I have a purpose. The first was, “God chose you to be his mom for a reason. Not only for you to teach him but for him to teach you about yourself.”
It’s amazing what our kids teach us about ourselves, isn’t it? I didn’t really think I had a bad temper. High strung, yes, but bad temper? That is until you ask your child to eat 1746 times and I end up looking like the little red man from Inside Out. Or coming home to find a hole in the wall from the doorknob…and the door stopper removed as well. He said he wanted to see what would happen when you slammed the knob into the wall. It puts an F*%$&*& hole in the wall! #iamnotperfect.
But on the other side, he teaches me to look through another lens. I was always very aware of the world. My uncle was mentally handicapped and he taught me how cruel (and also how kind) the world can be. I can see people for who they are, a blessing and a curse. My job is to teach him to do the same. But for now, he sees so much good in the world and that is a beautiful lens to look through. Honestly, I hope he keeps that lens.
I have spent the better part of 3 years trying to be what I thought I needed to be. PR companies told me I needed to be this or that. Be an expert in your field…be the entrepreneur power mom…be someone other than who you are.
I am none of those things. I started a business doing what I love. It got big. But at the end of the day who I am is a girl who loves beautiful clothes, Disney World, living in the middle of the woods with no neighbors and being with my family. I hate wearing makeup. I spent all day yesterday in my pajamas while we watched a Lord of the Rings marathon. I don’t have time to cook. We eat takeout 6 days a week. And I have to tell myself every single day that it’s ok. That I Am Enough.
All of this to say, I am just as hard on myself as the next person. I can get caught up in the perceived perfection of bloggers and other moms. And I have to reality-check myself every day. And even still, in those quiet moments, the world can come crashing in and make me feel downright lousy. And I know I’m not alone.
We were all put here for a reason bigger than our own understanding. And if you want to sit in your room, wrapped in a snuggie with a box of donuts binging on a Big Bang theory marathon while feeding your child (or your pet) frozen meals, it’s ok. Because at the end of the day, we are all doing the best we can. Take away social media and the crazy filters and what do you have left? I have an amazing son, a great husband and a business that I use to make people feel confident in what they are wearing.
I owe my massage therapist more thank you’s than I can repay because she reminded me of something so important.
I am enough and so are you.